Yesterday, after the occupational therapist finished feeding Kade, she said "tomorrow you will get to feed him". I kind of looked at her with a blank stare, because quite frankly, it scares me have to death to feed him. I know he will get it and I will get used to him, but it is just soooo different. Poor baby gags the whole time.
So today, I went up to the hospital with my mom for our 9am session and tried to feed him. I looked like a fish out of water. It felt like I and never held or fed a baby before. It was sooo difficult, and basically a complete FAILED attempt. I know with time he will get it and catch on, but my oh my was it so difficult. He gagged and gagged and I felt like I was hurting him more than helping him. I was holding back the tears the whole time. Just thinking about having to do this every day multiple times a day is sooo overwhelming. You get so spoiled really to the fact that the nurses and therapists do most of the work, bc they have to. We aren't really allowed to do anything other than change his diaper or take his temp.
So when we left, it was pretty sad. I just want to be able to do this correctly for him, but he has so many hurdles, poor baby... Needless to say, I was ready to sign the consent papers on his surgery. They talked to us the other day about putting in a more permanent feeding tube. It would be a tube or a "button". This way we would feed what he can't take by mouth through the tube. We would continue to train him ourselves and possibly once a week with OT (occupational therapy), but it sounds like this is going to pretty much be our job to train him. So it is possible he will have surgery next week to have this. I was against it at first, but now I think it is going to be our only option for help.
Tomorrow we have another appt at 12, so please pray for me that I can do this...and without having a nervous breakdown. :)
Xoxo
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